"General Rules of Conduct," From the 1880s, Explains How to Have Manners.

In society, everyone should receive equal attention, regardless of age. A high authority says, “If we wish our young people to grow up self-confident and at ease, we must early train them in those graces by giving them the same attention and consideration we do those of mature years. If we snub them and systematically neglect them, they will acquire an awkwardness and a deprecatory manner, which will be very difficult for them to overcome.”

It is a pity that the families do not teach kids good manners anymore (except in rare cases). The result? People often have no clue how to behave in various situations, such as around others, when dating a girl, or in many other social contexts. Are you familiar with the situation where your neighbors in the restaurant are too loud? Or does someone with a smartphone ignore those around them?

I have promised to publish articles that may help you become a better man. While not everything is up to date, there are excellent points on good manners that come from our grandparents of the time when it was necessary for every gentleman. I have attempted to find better synonyms that are more acceptable today, but I may have missed some. Some of the "rules of conduct" are pretty funny these days, but I am sure you will enjoy them!

GRACEFULNESS OF CARRIAGE.

Physical education is indispensable to every well-rounded individual. A gentleman should not only know how to fence, box, ride, shoot, and swim, but he should also know how to carry himself gracefully, and how to dance if he would enjoy life to the utmost. The aid of a drilling master can best attain a graceful carriage, as dancing and boxing are taught.

A man should be able to defend himself from gangsters if attacked, and also to protect women from their insults. Dancing and aerobics are also essential for a lady; the better the physical training, the more graceful and self-possessed she will be.

Every lady should know how to dance, whether she intends to dance in society or not. Swimming, skating, archery, tennis, croquet, riding, and driving all aid in strengthening the muscles and provide open-air exercise, making them desirable recreations for the young of both sexes.

ATTITUDE.

The awkwardness of attitude is a mark of vulgarity. Lolling, gesticulating, fidgeting, handling an eyeglass, a watch chain, or the like, gives an air of gaucherie. A lady who sits cross-legged or sidewise on her chair, who stretches out her feet, who has a habit of holding her chin, or twirling her ribbons or fingering her buttons; a man who lounges in his chair, nurses his leg, bites his nails, or caresses his foot crossed over on his knee, shows clearly a want of good home training.

Each should be quiet and graceful, either in their sitting or standing position, the gentleman being allowed more freedom than the lady. He may sit cross-legged if he wishes, but should not sit with his knees far apart, nor with his foot on his knee. If an object is to be indicated, you must move the whole hand or the head, but never point the finger.

COUGHING, SNEEZING, ETC.

Coughing, sneezing, clearing the throat, etc., if done at all, must be done as quickly as possible. Snuffing, hawking, and coughing must never be done in society. A sneeze can be checked by pressing the thumb or fingers firmly across the bridge of the nose. If not checked, the face should be buried in the handkerchief during the act of sneezing, for apparent reasons.

ANECDOTES AND JOKES.

Anecdotes should be used sparingly in a conversation. Jokes are always regarded as vulgar.

A SWEET AND PURE BREATH.

The breath should be kept sweet and pure. Onions are the forbidden fruit because of their offensiveness to the breath. No gentleman should go into the presence of ladies smelling tobacco.

SMOKING.

It is neither respectful nor polite to smoke in the presence of ladies, even though they have given permission, nor should a gentleman smoke in a room that ladies are in the habit of frequenting. In those homes where the husband is permitted to smoke in any room of the house, the sons will follow the father’s example, and the air of the rooms becomes like that of a public house.

SUPPRESSION OF EMOTION.

Suppression of undue emotion, whether of laughter, anger, mortification, disappointment, or selfishness in any form, is a mark of good breeding.

A GOOD LISTENER.

To be a good listener is almost as great an art as being a good talker, but it is not enough to merely listen; you must also endeavor to seem genuinely interested in the conversation of those who are talking. Only the low-bred allow their impatience to be manifest.

GIVE PRECEDENCE TO OTHERS.

Give precedence to those older or of a higher social position than yourself, unless they require you to take the precedence when it is better to follow than to deny. Be more careful to give others their rank of precedence than to bring your own.

BE MODERATE.

You can always express your own opinions with modesty, and, if called upon, defend them, but without that warmth that may lead to hard feelings. Please don't enter into an argument. Having spoken your mind, and so you are not cowardly in your beliefs and opinions, drop the subject and move on to another topic. There is seldom any profit in idle discussion.

SINGING AND PLAYING IN SOCIETY.

A lady in the company should never exhibit any anxiety about singing or playing; however, if she is requested to do so and intends to comply, she should do so immediately, without waiting to be prompted. If she refuses, she should do so in a manner that shall make her decision final. Having complied, she should not monopolize the evening with her performances, but make room for others.

RECEIVING AND MAKING PRESENTS.

Emerson says: “Our tokens of love are for the most part barbarous, cold, and lifeless because they do not represent our life. The only gift is a portion of thyself. Therefore, let the farmer give his corn; the miner his gem; the sailor coral or shells; the painter his picture, and the poet his poem.”

To persons of refined nature, whatever the friend creates takes the added value as part of themselves—part of their lives, as it were, having gone into it. People of the highest rank, abroad, will often accept, with gratitude, a bit of embroidery done by a friend, a poem inscribed to them by an author, a painting executed by some artist, who would not care for the most expensive bauble that was offered them.

Mere costliness does not constitute the soul of a present; it is the kind feeling that it manifests which gives it its value. People who possess noble natures do not make gifts where they feel neither affection nor respect, but their gifts are bestowed out of the fullness of kind hearts.

A present should be acknowledged as soon as possible, but you must not follow it quickly with a return. It is to be taken for granted that a gift is intended to afford pleasure to the recipient, not to be regarded as a question of investment or exchange. Please don't mention a present you have given unless you have reason to believe that it has not been received by the person to whom it was sent.

Unmarried ladies should not accept presents from gentlemen who are neither related nor engaged to them, nor indebted to them for some marked favors. A married lady may receive presents from a gentleman who is indebted to her for hospitality.

In presenting a book to a friend, please do not write in it the name of the person to whom it is given. But this is a rule better honored in its breach than in its observance when the giver of the book is its author.

Presents made by a married lady to a gentleman should be in the name of both herself and her husband.

Please don't hesitate to give a present if you're interested in kindness, unless the circumstances are such that you cannot, with propriety, receive it. Nor, in obtaining a present, make such comments as would seem to indicate that your friend cannot afford to make the present. On the other hand, please don't make a present that you can't afford to make. In that case, the recipient, if they know anything about your circumstances, will think that you had better keep it yourself.

GOVERNING OUR MOODS.

We should subdue our gloomy moods before we enter society. To look pleasantly and to speak kindly is a duty we owe to others. Neither should we afflict them with any dismal account of our health, state of mind, or outward circumstances. Nevertheless, if another makes us the confidant of his woes, we should strive to appear sympathetic, and if possible, help him to be stronger under them.

A lady who shows by the act, or expresses in plain, curt words, that the visit of another is unwelcome, may perhaps pride herself upon being no hypocrite. But she is, in reality, worse. She is grossly selfish. Courtesy requires her, for the time being, to set aside her own feelings and remember those of her visitor; thus, it is her duty to make that visitor happy while she remains.

A LADY DRIVING WITH A GENTLEMAN.

When a lady offers to drive a gentleman in her phaeton (a carriage today), he should walk to her house, if he accepts the invitation, unless the distance is excellent, in which case she should propose calling for him. In that case, he will be on the watch, so as not to keep her waiting, and, if possible, meet her on the way.

AN INVITATION CAN NOT BE RECALLED.

It seems that an invitation, once given, cannot be recalled, even from the best motives, without subject I'D LIKE YOU TO KNOW THAT  the one who recalls it to the charge of being either ignorant or regardless of all conventional rules of politeness. There is but one exception to this rule, and that is when the invitation has been delivered to the wrong person.

AVOID TALKING ABOUT PERSONALITIES.

Avoid discussing your birth, travels, and personal matters with those who may misunderstand you and perceive it as boasting. When you are told to speak of them, please do not dwell too long upon them, and do not speak boastfully.

ABOUT PERSONS’ NAMES.

Do not speak of absent persons, who are not relatives or intimate friends, by their names or surnames, but always as Mr.——, or Mrs.——, or Miss——. Never name anyone by the first letter of his name, as “Mr. C.” Give a foreigner his name in full when speaking of him.

REMOVING THE HAT.

A gentleman never sits in the house with his hat on in the presence of ladies. Indeed, a gentleman instinctively removes his hat as soon as he enters a room, the habitual resort of ladies. A gentleman never retains his hat in a theatre or other place of public entertainment.

TREATMENT OF INFERIORS.

Never affect superiority. In the company of an inferior, never let him feel his inferiority. If you invite an inferior as your guest, treat him with all the politeness and consideration you would show an equal.

INTRUDING ON PRIVACY.

Never enter a private room anywhere without knocking. Sacredly respect the private property of others, and let no curiosity tempt you to pry into letters, desks, packets, trunks, or other belongings of another. It is ill-mannered to read a written paper lying upon a table or desk; whatever it may be, it is certainly no business of yours. No person should ever look over the shoulder of another who is reading or writing. You must not question a servant or child regarding family affairs. Never betray implied confidence, even if you have not been bound to secrecy.

KEEPING ENGAGEMENTS.

Nothing is ruder than to make an engagement, be it of business or pleasure, and break it. If your memory is not sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you create, carry a small memorandum book (today: a smartphone) and enter them there.

VALUE OF POLITENESS.

Chesterfield says: “As learning, honor, and virtue are necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of humanity, politeness and good-breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversation and common life. Great talents, such as honor, virtue, learning, and arts, are above the generality of the world, who neither possess them themselves, nor judge of them rightly in others; but all people are judges of the lesser talents, such as civility, affability, and an obliging, agreeable address and manner; because they feel the good effects of them, as making society easy and pleasing.”

ADAPTING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

Could you confirm your conduct as much as possible to the company you happen to be with, without throwing yourself into the wrong company? It is better even to laugh at and join in with vulgarity so that it does not degenerate into indecency than to set yourself up as better and better-mannered than those with whom you may chance to be associated. True politeness and genuine good manners often not only permit but absolutely demand a temporary violation of the ordinary obligations of etiquette.

A WOMAN’S GOOD NAME.

Let no man speak a word against a woman at any time, or mention a woman’s name in any company where it should not be spoken. “Civility,” says Lord Chesterfield, “is particularly due to all women; and remember that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman; and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest of women. It is due to their sex, and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours.”

Please do not worry about this.

Never directly contradict anyone. Say, “I beg your pardon, but I think you are mistaken or misinformed,” or some such similar phrase that shall break the weight of direct contradiction. Where the matter is unimportant, it is better to let it pass without correction.

EXPRESSING UNFAVORABLE OPINIONS.

You should be very careful about expressing an unfavorable opinion relative to a young lady to a young man who appears to be attracted by and attentive to her. If they should marry, the remembrance of your observations will not be pleasurable to yourself or the married parties.

VULGARITIES.

• Some of the acts which may be classed as vulgarities when committed in the presence of others are given:
• To sit with your back to a person, without asking to be excused.
• To stand or sit with the feet wide apart.
• To hum, whistle, or sing in suppressed tones.
• To stand with the arms akimbo; to lounge or yawn, or to do anything which shows disrespect, selfishness, or indifference.
• To correct inaccuracies in the statements of others, or their modes of speech.
• To use profane language or a stronger expression than the occasion justifies.
• To chew tobacco and its unnecessary accompaniment, spitting, is vulgar in the extreme.

MISCELLANEOUS RULES.

• A gentleman precedes a lady passing through a crowd; ladies precede gentlemen under ordinary circumstances.
• Give your children, unless married, their Christian names only, or say “my daughter” or “my son,” in speaking of them to anyone except servants.
• Ladies in escorting each other, never offer to take the arm.
• Acknowledge an invitation to stop with a friend or any unusual attention without delay.
• Never boast of birth, money, friends, or of any superior advantages you may possess.
• Never ridicule others, be the object of your ridicule, present or absent.
• Always show respect for the religious opinions and observances of others, no matter how much they may differ from your own.
• You should never scratch your head, pick your teeth, clean your nails, or pick your nose in the company.
• Never lean your head against the wall, as you may disgust your wife or hostess by soiling the paper of her room.
• Never slam a door or stamp noisily on entering a room.
• Always be punctual. You have no right to waste the time of others by making them wait for you.
• Always hand a chair to a lady, pick up her glove, and perform any little service she may seem to require.
• Never attract attention to yourself by talking or laughing loudly in public gatherings.
• Keep yourself quiet and composed under all circumstances. Do not get fidgety. If you feel that time drags heavily, do not let this be apparent to others by any visible sign of uneasiness.
• Refrain from absent-mindedness in the presence of others. You pay them a poor compliment if you thus forget them.
• Never refuse to accept an apology for an offense, and never hesitate to make one, if one is due from you.
• Never answer another rudely or impatiently. Reply courteously, at whatever inconvenience to yourself.
• Never intrude upon a businessman or woman in business hours unless you wish to see them on business.
• Never engage a person in a private conversation in the presence of others, nor make any mysterious allusions that no one else understands.
• On entering a room, bow slightly as a general salutation, before speaking to each of the persons assembled.
• Do not seem to notice by word or glance, the deformity of another.
• To administer reproof to anyone in the presence of others is very impolite. To scold at any time is unwise.
• Never undertake a commission for a friend and neglect to perform it.
• Never play a practical joke upon anyone, or answer a profound remark by a flippant one.
• Never lend a borrowed book, and never keep such a book a single day after you are done with it.
• Never pass between two persons who are talking together, and never pass before persons when it is possible to pass behind them. When such an act is necessary, always apologize for doing so.
• “Never speak of a man’s virtues before his face, or his faults behind his back,” is a maxim to be remembered. Another maxim is, “In private watch your thoughts; in your family watch your temper; in society watch your tongue.”
• Never address a mere acquaintance by their last name. It is a presumption to which the acquaintance may take offense.
• Arrogance and disrespect are among the habits to be avoided. The best way to deal is to treat both the rude and the courteous with courtesy.
• In the presence of others, talk as little of yourself as possible, or of the business or profession in which you are engaged.
• It shows a want of courtesy to consult your watch, either at home or abroad. If at home, it appears as though you were tired of your company and wished them to be gone. If abroad, it seemed as though the hours dragged heavily, and you were calculating how soon you would be released.
• Do not touch or handle any of the ornaments in the house where you visit. They are intended to be admired, not managed by visitors.
• Do not read in the company. A gentleman or lady may, however, look over a book of engravings or a collection of photographs with propriety.
• Every species of affectation should be avoided, as it is always detected and exceedingly disagreeable.

WASHINGTON’S MAXIMS.

• Sparks, in his biography of Washington, has given to the public a collection of Washington’s directions as to personal conduct, which he called his “Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company.” We give these rules entirely, as the reader may be interested in learning the principles which governed the conduct of the “Father of his Country.”
• Every action in the company ought to be with some sign of respect to those present.
• In the presence of others, sing not to yourself with a humming voice, nor drum with your fingers or feet.
• Speak not when others speak, sit not when others stand, and walk not when others stop.
• Do not turn your back on others, especially in speaking; do not knock over the table or desk on which another reads or writes; lean not on anyone.
• Be no flatterer, nor play with anyone who delights not to be played with.
• Read no letters, books, or papers in the company, but when there is a necessity for doing so, you must not leave. Come not near the books or writings of anyone to read them unasked; also, look not nigh when another is writing a letter.
• Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters somewhat grave.
• Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another, though he were your enemy.
• They that are in dignity or office have in all places precedency, but while they are young, they ought to respect those that are their equals in birth or other qualities, though they have no public charge.
• It is good manners to prefer those to whom we speak before ourselves, especially if they are above us.
• Let your discourse with men of business be short and comprehensive.
• In visiting the sick, do not presently play the physician if you are not knowledgeable therein.
• In writing or speaking, give to every person his due title according to his degree and the custom of the place.
• Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit your judgment to others with modesty.
• Undertake not to teach your equal in the art he himself professes; it savors arrogance.
• When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well, blame not him that did it.
• When advising or reprehending anyone, consider whether it ought to be in public or in private, presently or at some other time, and in what terms to do it; and in disapproving, show no signs of anger, but do it with sweetness and mildness.
• Mock not nor jest at anything of importance; break no jests that are sharp or biting, and if you deliver anything witty or pleasant, abstain from laughing thereat yourself.
• Wherein you accuse another of being unblameable yourself, for example, is more prevalent than precept.
• Use no accusing language against anyone, neither curse nor insulting.
• Be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of anyone.
• In your apparel, be modest, and endeavor to accommodate nature rather than procure admiration. Keep to the fashion of your equals, such as being civil and orderly with respect to time and place.
• Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your reputation, for it is better to be alone than in bad company.
• Let your conversation be without malice or envy, for it is a sign of a controllable and worthy nature; and in all cases of passion, admit reason to govern.
• Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a secret.
• Utter not base and frivolous things amongst grown and learned men, nor tough questions or subjects amongst the ignorant, nor things hard to be believed.
• Speak not of doleful things in a time of mirth nor at the table; speak not of melancholy things, as death and wounds; and if others mention them, change, if you can, the discourse. Tell not your dreams but to your intimate friends.
• Break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth. Laugh not aloud, nor at all without occasion. Deride no man’s misfortunes, though there seems to be some cause.
• Speak not injurious words, neither in-joke nor serious. Ridicule at none, although they give occasion.
• Be not forward, but friendly and courteous, the first to salute, hear and answer, and be not pensive when it is time to converse.
• Detract not from others, but neither be excessive in commending.
• Go not thither where you know not whether you shall be welcome or not. Not advise without being asked; and when desired, do it briefly.
• If two contend together, take not the part of either unconstrained and be not obstinate in your opinions; in things indifferent be of the significant side.
• Reprehend not the imperfection of others, for that belongs to parents, masters, and superiors.
• Gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others, and ask not how they came. What you may speak in secret to your friend, do not deliver before others.
• Speak not in an unknown tongue in company, but in your own language; and that as those of quality do, and not as the vulgar. Sublime matters are treated seriously.
• Think before you speak; pronounce not imperfectly, nor bring out your words too heartily, but orderly and clearly.
• When another speaks, be attentive to yourself, and disturb not the audience. If any hesitate in his words, help him not, nor prompt him without being desired; interrupt him not, nor answer him till his speech be ended.
• Treat with men at fit times about business, and whisper not in the company of others.
• Make no comparisons; and if any of the company be commended for any brave act of virtue, commend not another for the same.
• Be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth thereof. When discussing things you have heard, do not always name your author. A secret is not discovered.
• Be not curious to know the affairs of others, nor approach those who speak in private.
• Undertake not what you cannot perform, but be careful to keep your promise.
• When you deliver a matter, do it without passion and discretion; however, this means the person may do it too.
• When your superiors talk to anybody, hear them; neither speak nor laugh.
• In disputes, be not so desirous to overcome as not to give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion, and submit to the judgment of the significant part, especially if they are judges of the dispute.
• Be not tedious in discourse, make not many digressions, nor repeat often the same matter of discourse.
• Speak no evil of the absent, for it is unjust.
• Be not angry at the table, whatever happens; and if you have reason to be so, show it not; put on a cheerful countenance, especially if there be strangers, for good humor makes one dish a feast.
• Set not yourself at the upper end of the table; but if it is your due, or the master of the house will have it so, contend not, lest you should trouble the company.
• When you speak of God or his attributes, let it be seriously, in reverence and honor, and obey your natural parents.
• Let your recreations be manful, not sinful.
• Labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.

The above is an excerpt from “Our Deportment,” a code of manners for refined society by John H. Young, A.M., published in 1881. I offer it in hopes of promoting gentlemanly conduct among men—young and older—in today’s often unbalanced world.

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